Working on yourself isn't about perfection or fixing something that is broken.
It's painful to think that there is something in you that you need to fix. You've had failed relationships, betrayal, heartache, loss, and then this overwhelming message to work on yourself. I know I say it plenty of times. In casual conversation with friends. In deep open thought while I'm recording a podcast episode. Whenever people ask me how I turned my life around, I tell them, "I worked on myself".
I started to realize how misleading this message could be. How in some cases I could be causing more harm than good. Was I eliciting thoughts from others that they needed to work on themselves as well? Were people pondering that they were possibly not good enough and they needed to change? Were people putting in the "work", not seeing the "results" and feeling further shamed?
No, I'm not going to stop saying that I worked on myself, because I did, and I'm proud that I did. I'm just going to bring some clarity into what that "work" actually was.
Two years ago, if you gave me a sheet of paper, and asked me to write down all the things I thought was wrong with me, I guarantee you that I could fill the paper. There were so many things about my being that I wanted to fix; that I thought was the reason for my heartache, my loss, and my betrayal. My own thoughts were more painful than anything anyone ever did or said, I just didn't know it.
I started my transformational journey with the intention of fixing me because I was tired of the pain. Along the way I met people, that sought to build me up, in the places where I thought I was torn down. Every time that I mentioned how much I was broken I was reminded that I was whole. It was no coincidence that I met the people that changed my trajectory in life. It was with intent and purpose that all along, what I thought needed to be fixed, needed to be loved.
Working on me stopped being about fixing and perfection. Instead it was centered around acceptance and love. I began to love, appreciate, and honor every aspect of me. Even the parts that hurt. I found gratitude in those that left, realizing I needed that space for those that would enter later.
My work involved seeing me for the first time. I mean truly seeing me. It involved calling out my name and following it with all of the wonderful characteristics that I didn't see before. My work involved seeing my value, setting up boundaries, and respecting my own likes and dislikes. My work led me to see that I am perfect the way that I am. If I stayed on the course of trying to fix me, I would have still been crying out in pain. Nothing is wrong with you Queen. Do the work of connecting with yourself, standing boldly in who you are, and allowing anyone that thinks you need to be fixed to walk out, so that the next person can graciously walk in.